"GOODNESS ME, WHAT AN UNSIGHTLY LOOKING SPLEEN...TAKE OVER NURSE.."

There's this surgeon-dude, right? A guy called Professor Gunther Von Hagen or something - you may have heard of him. His is an eccentric. He wears a big wide-brimmed black hat. He makes a living out of plasticising dead bodies, arranging them in all manner of macabre ways and shapes and sticking them in art galleries for poeple to have a perve at. Sweet.

The other evening, across town, this guy performed the first public autopsy in London for over 130 years - in front of a paying audience. Von Hagen was even prepared to be sent to prison if charges were brought against him on the night. As it turns out, charges of public indecency are yet to be laid.
The subject of the dismemberment was a well-preserved, chain-smoking, heavy-drinking 72-year-old German man who carcked it about six months ago. The Teutonic stiff had left his body to the good Doctor in the interest of science (and, one assumes, art - both closely related really - just remember Leonardo da Vinci for one.) The Professor proceeded to remove the expired gentleman's dangly, squishy bits and bobs and hand them around the audience so they could get a good close up look. Very thoughtful. High art? Expliotation? Kitch? Scholck/shock-Doc? Most definately all of the above. (I wouldn't be suprised at all to find out that David 'The Thin White Duke' Bowie himself was behind it all, come to think of it...Check out his 1995 concept album '1.Outside' - it deals with the nasty world of 'Art-Crime' murder - a-la the movie 'Se7en'.) Seems his kind of bag. And just think if there had been a sort of glam rock-come-cabaret-style musical accompaniment to the operation. Wow! Now that's got some marketing potential, you must admit! -

'For one night only - Mad, Merry Medico, Prof. Gunther Von Hagen, performs his greatest hits live (and dead)! With a song, a dance and a joke, his cutting wit and gallows humour come shining through in two straight hours of frenetic, formaldahide-laden fleshy fun! -Guaranteed to be rib-splittingly hilarious - lights, camera action - the Doctor is in the house - his diagnosis???- Good times for all, or your money back!' (*Free piece of pickled spleen for the first ten people thru door on the night*)

The thing is, a lot of people had some issues with this performance - for that is essentially what it was - a show.
"It's just not right!! It's not good, Geoff!!!" people were heard to exclaim over talk-back radio. "You'll go to hell, Dr. Frankenstein, EEEE!!!"(Quote: Miss Gwen Dibley, East Hampstead). There was FEAR that the streets would be awash in blood and gore. FEAR that the public were held in the sway of the Butcher of Battersea - Gunther the Ripper. There was pleanty of DISGUST and OUTRAGE into the bargain. This an example: "Where is the man's moral decency? - it's pure filth! Eugrgh!" (Direct quote*: Edgar Spon, Bishop of Bath and Wells).

I for one, however, applaud his actions. Makes for a damn-sight more interesting time out than bingo and quizz night down the local, I reckon. This is what London is all about baby, yeah! The people demand more for their entertainment pound. What could be next do you think? How about bringing back public executions! What good fun. There are certainly plenty of candidates out there. For instance: instead of just evicting those annoying little attention-seeking proles from Big Brother or Fame Academy, why not send the loathsome losers straight over the road and into the stocks for a while. A few rotten tomatoes later - HANG 'EM HIGH!!! Ha-ha!!
Guaranteed for a great night out with the whole family - get them all swinging in the aisles! Bruce (Generation Game) Forsythe could be the host..

Now that's entertainment, folks!

Righto, I'm off for an acid bath.
See you next time - when Spidey says:

"---- ---- ---------- !"






*(well, maybe not that direct..)